without permission

I am most fortunate to be surrounded by such loved ones who believe in me more than I ever do. Every time they suggest a project I should try, I am always surprised. From publications to jobs to creative endeavors, I am floored by which they think I’m capable of. I am trying to hit that level of self-confidence but I tend to falter.

I wish I was as good to me as they are with me.

But I’m getting there. Slowly, but surely. Even those I don’t know very well share ideas of what I can do with my writing and mind. It’s sweet and really, really nice to be thought of so highly. I’m humbled by their requests. And I’m starting to stop saying no to them and making efforts to try it. I usually shoot down things I don’t think I can do or don’t believe I’m qualified for, but I think I’ll go for it.

I want to start seeing that I am enough and that I can do more than I ever thought possible.

For years now I’ve been catching signs of me doing just that. From running events to performing onstage to speaking out about mental illness and more I’m sure I’m forgetting, I’m continuously surprised of how often I hit the mark. Just the sheer courage and fervent passion alone blows the younger timid me out of the water.

And it’s only the beginning. In some ways right now I’m at a low point, but I’m optimistic. It’s not as rough as it was last year and I feel like with all these interviews and positive feedback I’m receiving, I’ll be more than okay.

In fact, one organization commented how they enjoyed my ambition, intelligence, and passion. Ambitious was never a word to describe me when I was way younger. But I think it’s apt now.

Here are some of the things that people have suggested I do:

  • agit speech
  • teach writing workshops
  • travel writer
  • librarian
  • bookstore event coordinator
  • teaching English overseas/stateside
  • write for huffpost
  • curate an art exhibit
  • run a reading series
  • editor
  • chapbook author
  • create a project where people pay to do a creative challenge

I want to be at a point where after someone makes a suggestion, I’ll automatically say “good idea, I’m gonna go for it.” No self-doubt, no shock that they think I’m worthy. Just agreement and the drive forward to do the wonderful task.

I also want the percentage of projects I discover and do on my own to outweigh those that were suggested by others. I feel like a good number of what I’ve done in recent years came from those recommendations. I don’t want to feel like I should ask for permission or feedback before I set out to do it. I used to ask people if I should go for things; I don’t think I do it that much anymore.

Progresssssss.

eileen

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s