I will not hold back in my love for you

I’m noticing some changes to my being. I honestly feel like I’m on the cusp of another stage of growth. Due to the following:

  • I check in with friends a lot more often, esp when they told me earlier how they weren’t doing well, feeling sad, or struggling with something. I don’t ask “how are you doing?” unless I really want to know and desire to support them. I’ve been asking much more than before.
  • I think I’m more obvious about how much I care and love others. I state it more often, give out more compliments, go more in-depth with why I like and love them so much. Though that last part I think I only did that with Christian lol. I’ll branch out more, promise.
  • I’m more tender in my interactions with folx, Even strangers. I’m becoming more supportive on instagram and letting people know that I adore their hard, beautiful work. I keep thinking about the sweet things people have said to me over the years that boosted my confidence, and made me want to continue writing and sharing. I want to return that energy to others and help them keep going.
  • I’m a lot more understanding of how sometimes the way people treat or react to me isn’t always about me. They could be having a bad day or in a horrid mood. They might have misinterpreted me or have a lot on their mind. They could be busy with something or struggling from within. So I try not to take things so personally like I used to. Actions that would give me pause and be on my mind for days don’t affect me like that anymore. I can brush it off more easily now.
  • When I experience something bad, frustrating, or annoying, I go forward a lot quicker. I can think about it for a few moments and keep going, instead of letting it be the focus of my entire day like I once did. It’s liberating to know that nothing will hold me back as long as I don’t concentrate on it and moreover, make a move to maintain momentum. We feed what we pay attention to.
  • I believe in myself a lot more now. Steps that once felt beyond my capabilities are in reach just because I’m more confident now. Actually I think I was always able to do them but I couldn’t because of low self-esteem. Further below I’ll list what I’m going for and I encourage you to submit as well! Your pipe dreams deserve to be realized too.
  • I’m more upfront about how I feel with others, particularly if I’m upset or worried. I’ve always hated confrontation but I know that if I want to maintain good relationships, I need to tell them when I feel let down or hurt. I also antagonize myself more leading up to the moment when I finally say something. And always, ALWAYS, the other individual is okay with it and just clarifies things or changes their behavior. I hate how I build up this mountain from a small molehill but at least the upset period is over and we can move forward. I no longer want to be someone who just holds everything in and snaps. Actually I never wanted to be that way, I always wanted to change but didn’t feel able to. I get sad when I think of how much better I could’ve handled different situations but I am glad that I finally got the guts to make it happen.
  • My editing and critiquing skills have improved. I’m currently editing a dear friend’s comic book scripts and I noticed that I’m more succinct and pointed. Even though I’m out of my element and have never edit comic book scripts before, I think I make good comments and corrections. I still need to look at comic book scripts to sharpen my editing & eye and read more comics but I think I have a great foundation and skills to handle this job well.
  • I am much more creative now. My projects have become more visual and artistic. I feel like I’m more inventive and daring with my work, or at least in my proposals hehe. It doesn’t feel enough to write at times so I want to advance it and add new elements, even if I am novice at it. Also my questions for others are more creative too, could be due to my bigger interest in people nowadays. You folks are pretty fascinating lol
  • I feel braver now. More resilient and courageous. I still get scared but I can move past it more easily now. I see this when I confront people I love instead of trying to brush it away. I know I deserve better and that I should be valued more. I recognize that I need to be on better footing with others and not be a welcome mat. I stand up for myself now.
  • I don’t allow my insecurities get in the way of moving forward and doing the task. Though I think I just started that today lol. I was part of a zoom call where we discussed strategies where writers can be in solidarity with Filipinx workers. Though writers can be workers and vice versa. I was worried I wasn’t qualified enough due to so many things, like not being a leading activist. But I realized that as long as I do the research, share resources, and have my heart in the movement and with the people, I’m more than enough. You can read my Facebook post about it here. I don’t want to let my perceived inadequacies get in the way of growth and assisting others. There’s ways to rectify and I know I can always reach out to my kasamas and friends if I ever need help and knowledge. Always.
  • I’m much more open and vulnerable. Don’t hold back as much as I used to, even with people I just met. I love my candidness and how my heart & head are developing. I don’t do it recklessly though. I think I know when I can be completely upfront and when I shouldn’t. But it feels so good to know when I’m safe to state how my heart is doing.

Here are some opportunities I’m going for and if you want it too, go for it:

  1. Pitches for Topical Anthologies at Human/Kind Journal & Press, due 3/2:
    Honestly, I had a hard time gathering the courage to put the call out there for editors and contributors that I posted it on FB/insta a few days before deadline. BUT, two of my lovely friends want to be editors and I have a total of 7 contributors for the anthology! Which is pretty friggin’ good IMO, esp in a span of way less than a week. I don’t want to share the topic because it feels like jinxing it, but it is very close to my heart and definitely something I wish I had when I was a decade younger. The proposal is mostly done, needs a little editing and I’d like for the other editor to take a look. But in any case I want to submit it around 10pm tonight. Win or lose, I’m glad I worked on it and believe in myself enough that I could be a head/managing editor for an anthology! Definitely a pipe dream and I wanna make it happen no matter what. —-Actually, since I drafted this, the deadline has passed (sorry!) and the publisher said they’re interested (!!!!) but had to put it on queue as they were dealing with personal issues and had to shutter the press. I’m just grateful that they liked it and me and my editors are more than willing to wait. I’ll be sure to blog once the call for submissions opens.
  2. Cloudscapes:Events+Workshops in Brooklyn, at the Painted Cloud, rolling submissions til all dates are filled:
    a platform for launching open-ended and experimental events+workshops in a low-pressure environment. This artist-designed series propels these events+workshops into their next phase of development and presentation. We host a range of events+workshops including performance, screenings, readings, and visual art.” You should definitely check out the site for all the neat ideas people brought to life through this endeavor. I wanna do something with writing but not sure what. I think I’m capable of leading a class and I have the expertise, but I’m not sure what direction I should go so I don’t think I’ll submit anything just yet. Hopefully they will open submissions again for the fall or summer. But until then, I do want to daydream and brainstorm, I’m sure I’ll think of something special in the near future.
  3. Hearts On the Wall in NYC, rollings submissions til all dates are filled:
    “a recurring evening of new work in progress. Currently in its third year residency at Dixon Place! Created in 2016 by Jordan Bean, Patrick Taylor, and Josh Meredith in an effort to provide FREE presentation/workshopping opportunities to emerging NYC artists in the live performance space. We are committed to maintaining a joyful, brave, constructive artistic environment at all times. Anyone and everyone is welcome to participate.” This sounds amazing and much needed. I don’t have any work right now that can be workshopped like this but I definitely want to do it sometime this year. Maybe not the short film screenplay. Perhaps a comic I draw myself? If the anthology happens, I want to contribute something in a medium I don’t usually write in, something visual and layered. I think comics would be a beautiful way to do that maybe paired with poetry. I haven’t written a poem in so long, I should return to that form.— For the time being it’s postponed because of you know what. Hopefully it’ll come back this yer.
  4. Project for Empty Space’s Feminist Incubator Residency, due April 17th:
    PES Feminists in Residence are awarded a short term residency (June – Sept, 2020) that provides workspace for up to six female-identifying artists who are addressing issues of safety, ownership, and agency. This program is open to individuals working across all creative disciplines (writing, visual arts, performance, photography, music, poetry, etc.). Selected artists will have unlimited access to PES’ co-working studio space, tools and resources through our partners, and our growing feminist library. The residency will conclude with an exhibition in the PES gallery space.” I always wanted to do a residency and I’m only a short train ride away from Newark! I have a short film screenplay idea that I believe aligns with this program and it’d make it ten times more amazing if I had access to their feminist library! It’ll add so much more depth and I’ll have a great way to approach writing it.

But before submitting, I think I’ll read some screenwriting books that Christian gave me and a book called Woman’s World by Graham Rawle which is made up of 40,000 text fragments from vintage women’s magazines. And the damn novel is 437 pages long! Such an innovative, super creative feat! Oh yeah, it talks about keeping up with feminine ideals which is ungodly perfection for what I’m gonna write. I LOVE it when my writing and reading materials collide unexpectedly. Kismet~!

This has been in my drafts for awhile and I think I’ll post it. Though I do wanna discuss other stuff, it’s lengthy already and I want to be able to generate blogs more often. At least weekly, aiming for three times per week.

Next up: my 2020 scratch note project, virtual Filipinx Literature Festival #TheDigitalSala, The Sketchbook Project: My Legacy for my future children.

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