I want to be sincerely happy with you

I didn’t understand how growth isn’t linear until tonight, when I took inventory of my life and reflected on how each segment felt:

For all the good I am facing ahead, I dearly want to run.

Just drop everything and go.

This isn’t along the lines of suicidal ideation. I am no longer there. But the desire to retreat when confronted with the possibility of change and true transformation. None of it is bad, in fact, these are all things I do want. But success—and its chance—can be stressful too. I’m currently on a path that can and WILL open doors for me, make great & genuine connections, vastly improve my writing & editing skills, and all of the above are such blooming passions for me.

These are all daydreams that I’ve adored for so long. And it kind of scares me how well they fit. Is that ridiculous, foolish? Am I the only one who feels like this?

I don’t recall any of my friends being frightened of their pipe dreams. Or at least admitting it when they got close. At most they’re anxious of whether they’ll succeed, but nothing of feeling the weight of goodness in front of them and wanting to escape to the nearest exit.

I’m not sure if I’m making any sense. For the longest time I didn’t feel good enough, or even just enough. And now that I know I am, it’s throwing me off. I cannot ignore that fact as people have come to my doorstep, offering me the keys to my reveries. Most don’t even know me well, just know what I’m capable of.

That’s so hard to wrap my head around but it’s certain.

I find myself pushing tasks to the side, putting them off. I should be eager but I’m scared. It seems silly but I want to address this, unmask it. Finally understand why I’m reacting like this.

Could you even call this normal?

I want to go back to my older posts and suss if I admitted to this fear at all. There were periods of my life where I consistently kept on crossing off dream after dream, and I do still do that, but I don’t recall being scared. Only of whether I was manic because mania was the precursor to my worst psychosis. But it doesn’t feel like I’m at that stage at all. My thoughts aren’t rocketing and I’m calm at the moment. And hopefully, fairly coherent.

Maybe it’s because I’m frightened of whom I’ll become. I love who I am right now. I don’t want to lose her. I just met her lol. But new responsibilities and abilities are bound to transform who you are. Though I feel like I’ll still maintain my core: passionate, sincere writer with her bleeding heart on her sleeve. That’s never altered in the slightest, I just grew a vast vocabulary, became more open & pointed, and desired more fervently heart to hearts.

Lately some interactions are vacuous. No follow up questions, no digging, no real interest. They ask for my answer but only ‘cuz they want to respond. Sweet nothings are truly empty and unearned. It all feels forced and unnatural. I never believe and I do not trust. Which is interesting because I was once pretty naive and craved attention. And now years later, I do not care for it. Not if it isn’t genuine. It feels like a waste.

I guess it’s because I became part of the Raised Pinay sisterhood. My friends are so dear to me, but we don’t check in often. But with RP, we have these weekly healing circles that feel so foundational and significant. Each session is nothing but heart and bloom, so any conversation that feels less than that is throwaway. I know I’m going to change a lot by the end of it. How I’m not sure but I’m looking forward to it.

So since I can accept that, maybe I can become more open to these other burgeoning developments that I long-awaited for. Be okay with being trusted and validated and just move forward.

Maybe I’m having issues with being happy right now, with all the turmoil, hardship, danger, and uncertainty that so many folks surrounding me are experiencing. It feels like I’m somehow hurting them by being thrilled with my life. That I shouldn’t be this ecstatic of how things are going for me when the entire world is on fucking fire.

In this context, is it bad to feel good?

I think that’s why I feel so conflicted. In a different setting, I’d be more accepting and grateful of my circumstances. I wouldn’t feel guilty at all. I wouldn’t hesitate this much.

I wanna share but it also feels minor in the face of the huge struggles many individuals and families are facing. And there is no obvious end date to it at all.

But maybe good news is what we all need? It’s what I look forward to as I scroll through my feed. What I hope for.

Okay, I’ll share then. Not now ‘cuz I feel drained, but some point soon.

I hope you have a wonderful day because you deserve it.

You really do.

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