These Dreams Will Not Wither Inside of Me

It’s 5:29 in the morning yet I’m at my most alert, despite being awake the entire night. An internal fire has begun and I’m tending to it now through the words you’re reading.

Lately the thing I hate about myself the most is how I talk and write about these honestly wonderful ideas, but have made no movement forward beyond some minor note taking. For months now, perhaps many. When I try to start, I get overwhelmed and tear up, mostly over foolish men, and other moments where I feel like no one will ever romantically love me. Or even want to.

It’s hard to see yourself as lovable when you don’t love yourself in the first place.

I’m beginning to, at least giving credence to the idea that I deserve to. I try to be good to others and loving, being affectionate and giving gifts. I’m totally shit at accepting it though. Kind, sweet, overflowing encouragement makes me want to run for some insecure reason. I think it’s because it’s rough for me to believe I deserve it. Even a sincere two line compliment keeps me silent. I don’t think they’re lying and this is how they perceive me. But something prevents me from saying thank you immediately. They all get read, but no reply.

It’s cold I know, but it’s also overwhelming. It’s really hard to justify my self-loathing when I see something real sweet that I know deep down inside I deserve it. I struggle with maintaining a kind self-portrait so maybe that’s why I’m quiet and just don’t acknowledge it to them. I really need to see a therapist lol ugh.

Anyway, I have a bunch of ideas I want to see through to fruition. Open calls I want to submit to, experimental essays, newsletter, book reviews, this damn blog haha.

I’m sorely lacking in follow through, but filling out my 2017 sketchbook project that was empty for too many years, for the #SuperFilipinaChallenge has been so much fun. I slacked off hard though but I’m going to try to catch up and at least fill out one more entry this morning.

It’s hosted by Super Filipina, whose own daily poetry writing led to her publishing her own book which I highly recommend. Really love her account, check her out.

Only posted the first three days on IG. I think I’ll eventually post them all, just want to let them ferment on the page and in my head a bit. It feels really good to write it all out and use my vintage dymo label maker. I adore using my glass dip pen and seeing the aftermath. I just hope it’s legible haha.

Filling in each page gives me some hope, some light that I can finish my projects. I hate how I get daunted by my ideas and all the effort I have to use to complete them. Even just putting down my goals and updating my Taste Victory notebook got me frozen for way too long yesterday. I didn’t even write anything, that’s the sad part.

There’s another project I’d like to do:

Art in a Box 9 – Isolation by Teetotum

Art in a Box is an exchange art box with 20 participant artists.
Each participant has to send 20 artworks, numbered and signed. The size can be up to 15x21cm.

A priority order is kept and the box closes when the 20 entries have received.

If the box is closed, the artworks that are left out, go to the next box.
Each box is numbered and each participant receives a box with 20 different artworks.

The participation fee is € 10 and covers the cost of the box and the shipping postage.

We accept all the techniques on paper (except photocopies), photographs, collages, engravings, mail art, handmade booklets, short stories, poems, short stories or anything that fits in a box!

Cool, right? There’s a deal at CVS where if you purchase a min. of 100 photo prints, you can get them at 20 cents each. Which is 20 bucks. I was thinking of making a photo of something I write through Phonto and get 30 copies for 3 different pieces. Not sure what the leftover would be, maybe I’ll push it to 33. It expires on 12/18 so I think I’ll work towards that. No deadline for the project itself though I would get the final spot if no one has mailed in anything yet. In any case it could go towards the next box.

I want to make like a booklet, connected through a brad so you can swivel the pages to reveal the next. The photos would act as bookends and a middle. The inners would be from some pretty paper I already have. Just not sure what to write.

Maybe a game you can play in isolation. Or a questionnaire you can fill out alone. Or building your own imaginary friend? Hrm.

I’ll figure it out, I just want to make it special and surprising.

My goal is not to buy anything new besides the photos. Still need to figure out where the brads are but I think I have enough.

Okay I feel better now. I’m a lot more resolute that I’ll get things done the way I want and need them to. I’m more than capable of creating my dream projects. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. Plus I have a strong support system who will help me light a fire under my ass haha.

I hope you cross off a goal before the year is through. May your outcomes amaze you in the best way.

Here for it.

eileen

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