Dearest You – Anticipate-a-Day

Day 3

Content Warning: mentions of psychosis and hospitalization

Dearest You—Write a message to someone you want to clear the air with by clearing up yourself. Maybe you’re resentful, or there was a misunderstanding, or you have not texted back in awhile. Explain why and close the gap between you. Whether you send it or not, is up to you, but I hope you consider it, especially if they still mean a lot to you.

I cannot tell you the amount of times I let people go due to pride or miscommunication. I think I would be happier if they were still here. More sure of myself at least. But maybe I’m idealizing them. In some ways I have yet to move on. I’m still stuck on our last, hurtful conversation, their unanswered text. It feels too awkward to attempt that bridge but I hate how I still think of them over a decade later. 

How do you let go of a ghost?

I know I’m at fault when I believe that last conversation is the final one. It doesn’t have to be but I realized this too late, years after losing their number or when they’ve already defriended me from Facebook. As long as we’re both alive, there’s still hope.

But only if I hold onto it. 

Relationships go both ways, I know. They could’ve reached out to me too. But I need to try for me as well, to acknowledge I have value and hope. For now, I’ll nurture my present relationships, and untangle their threads that need attention.

I just want to know if they’re okay. If they’re somewhere safe and feel loved and love in return. I’m not sure why I’m crying at this moment of writing, but maybe it’s because I finally admit that I still care after all these years. 

I never got to say goodbye to my college roommate. I was in a deep psychosis my senior year and I remember during our last conversation, she placed her hand on my cheek and said I was scaring her. I don’t remember if we reconnected after that, when I returned to campus after my hospitalization. I think she knew I was okay. Not long after she graduated, she ghosted our friend group. Never again updating her facebook at all.

I miss her so much and I want her to know I’m stable now and happy. I want to share my joy and how much I’ve grown. How her palm cheek touch and concern still means so much to me. It made me realize how bad it was. I hate how she doesn’t know any of this. And probably forgot me already.

Out of all the people I’ve come across in my life, she’s still the one I miss the most. For over a decade running. I pray she’s secure, warm, and surrounded by love. That she has the little boy she always wanted and has a significant other who is as hot as Wentworth Miller lol.

But right now, I can focus on those who I still have in my life. Be upfront with my love and care. Communicate clearly if I feel hurt or neglected. Let them know how much I believe in them and their dreams and most of all: how happy I am to have them in my life. We don’t always realize how meaningful people are to us until we see their absence.

I won’t let that happen again.