Everyday I do more things I like versus ones I love. I like scrolling through Facebook and clicking reactions. But I only love it when a friend is sharing an accomplishment. Besides those moments, running down my newsfeed doesn’t really add value to my life. And if you asked me what I saw today, I probably couldn’t tell you a quarter of what passed my eyes. Unfortunately, I do this scrolling shit for at least a hour or two. Multiple times per day. I should try tracking how much time I spend on social media (while not posting), just to see how self-disgusted I can get haha ugh.
And the things I love? Writing, reading books, blogging… I don’t do much of that. Only listening to music and playing Animal Crossing Pocket Camp. It’s pretty disappointing. And I haven’t even played PC at all today.
I did manage to get some writing and pasting done in my current sketchbook project. It felt really good to page through and see some progress. I’m gonna bring it with me tomorrow to the city and see where else serendipity can find me. It’s been interesting to see where creativity and happenstance occurs. Like I accidentally left the flash on when I was taking a photo of the paper lantern whose scrawl says “You truly light up someone’s world” and it looked like it glowed. You can see it on the second slide of the above link. I wouldn’t have thought of doing that and I’m so glad it happened!
I’m really happy I’ll get to see Mar again tomorrow. I haven’t seen her since her wedding. It’ll be good to catch up and vent. She has a way of clarifying my head and perspective. I always feel better after we part.
I need to make it a priority to see my friends more often. I miss their presence and they always make me feel good about myself. I usually work during the weekend but I scheduled a day off on Saturday and it felt great seeing my kasamas at the Bayan NE General Assembly. And I learned and absorbed so much about the state of the Philippines. For some weeks I couldn’t do much activism but I’m getting into it again. I used to feel so awkward saying or even typing “kasama” but now it feels natural. I love the way it sounds too, such a sweet word.
I don’t know if I should or shouldn’t mention this but I will anyway. I got a can of tocino spam which was the final (or second to last) item of a care package I was supposed to send awhile ago. And now it’s just a farewell gift and typing those two words hurt. I’m still upset about how it all ended. I should’ve known it was going to blow up just like that, but I hoped and tried again anyway. A lot of good memories came out of that friendship, I do know that. And I’m so glad we met in person. I didn’t want to write about him because he loves reading about himself, and I didn’t want to give him that satisfaction. But this is my space and more importantly, my words, and I want to acknowledge both the good and the bad. Minimally. But it wouldn’t be right to omit it. Honestly, part of me is still fucked up about it.
I know I’ll get over it. I just need to focus on what I love and what I oughta nurture. Not on something that’s dead and rotting. No matter how much I wish I could save and salvage it.
I don’t think I can.
So this week, I’ll start packing the box and write him a goodbye note. Hopefully send it off by the end of next week. It’ll fix my heart a little quicker. Get that haunting shit I bought him away from my eyes lol. Plus I always wanted to send a bursting care package, it’s listed in my “make it happen” notebook. My bucket list of sorts. It’s actually kinda nice that he will help me cross it off, even though he isn’t really involved. As upset as I am now, I want to make peace with this situation as soon as possible. This and writing that final letter will ensure that the recovery will be smoother and faster.
In recent months, he was my world. For so many days he was the only friend I talked to. My confidante. My best friend. I’d spend hours on the phone with him every day. Now I spend those hours reading, playing pocket camp, or scrolling through fb. And at this moment, I’m writing. Maybe whenever I start missing him, I should begin writing or creating something. Something unrelated to him. To remind myself there is more to this world.
The world is bigger than your heartbreak. You still have friends and family who love and care for you. Who would never hurt you like he did. Get to know them better. Buy them presents, especially those that reminded you of them. Ask them to hang out. Call or text them. Post on their wall. Don’t let silence remain between you both.
And don’t let months fly by before you post here again lol. I haven’t posted since October.
Christ.
eileen