Blog

Image Description: Selfie of Filipina American woman with long black hair and dangling earrings made out of clay: gold circle chained to a blue doorway shape, and a red circle shaped like a zero. She’s wearing eye glasses and is holding a black lomography automat instant camera, aiming it at the viewer. She’s in a room with a black couch, a house plant, and a brown book case filled with books

Hello, I’m Eileen Ramos, a bipolar Filipina American writer and artist

My Latest Posts

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  • The Life I Crave
    I spoke with a close friend the other day about dreams and how my choices aren’t actively contributing to them. She is absolutely right and it stings to realize how many hours were devoted to mobile games versus daydreams I hold close. It feels like an 8:1 ratio, if you also include the endless scroll and switching accounts to avoid life and my emotions haha ugh. So what do my dreams look like? What decisions can I make today and commit to that will allow for their fruition? This blog is a start. I dream of consistently updating my namesake,…
  • These Dreams Will Not Wither Inside of Me
    It’s 5:29 in the morning yet I’m at my most alert, despite being awake the entire night. An internal fire has begun and I’m tending to it now through the words you’re reading. Lately the thing I hate about myself the most is how I talk and write about these honestly wonderful ideas, but have made no movement forward beyond some minor note taking. For months now, perhaps many. When I try to start, I get overwhelmed and tear up, mostly over foolish men, and other moments where I feel like no one will ever romantically love me. Or even…
  • How I Got Here
    Content warning: mentions of psychosis, delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, mental illness, bipolar disorder, hospitalization, depression, self-loathing, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, anxiety, mental illness stigma. I am safe and stable now. This talks about past experiences. Yesterday was World Mental Health Day, and I am here to remind you that I’m a bipolar mental health advocate with a history of psychoses, delusions, severe depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation and attempts. I started to have psychotic breaks when I was 19 and had an emergency hospitalization when I was 21 as a senior in college, back in 2010. Originally they thought I had…
  • listen to your body and not what you want to embody
    Content Warning: psychosis, delusions, mental health, mental illness, eating disorder, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, toxic, insanity, depression, hospital, bipolar disorder I am safe and stable now, this recollects past experiences along with with my present situation. Image description: From first page of my “Words I Held: An Autobiographical Tale of Intrigue” ushered by Elisabeth Faye Stranathan/Eden/Me from the 444bidden Fructus project. An immersive show with an amazing, elaborate package. Highly recommend! Surrounding the composition notebook are a black gel pen that Elisabeth sent me and a green paint marker, all on top of a wooden tray table. The lined notebook…
  • Reverse Pandora
    For the Text and Image workshop I took with Simone Kearney at Brooklyn Poets, I wrote a poem titled “Reverse Pandora”. The prompt was to bring an interesting object and write about it in different voices and detailing. I enjoyed writing it and you can see a video of me reciting here Content warning: psychosis, mention of 9/11, suicidal ideation, mental illness, trauma, self-loathing, delusions I actually shared my poem at the Brooklyn Poets Fall Workshop Showcase this past Monday and it was really wonderful. I loved being there, and everyone is so talented and interesting. And Jason Koo read…
  • Artist Book Dummy WIP: Fortune Cookie Slips
    I took an introduction to artist book class at the San Francisco Center for the Book with Matt Runkle and that was fantastic! I always wanted to make an artist book and I learned different ways of binding and crafting books. I created a pocket accordion book from the Making Waves: Intro to the Accordion Book class I took with Chang Yuchen at the Center for Book Arts. That was also really great. So with that pocket accordion book, I decided that I wanted to involve fortune cookie slips like I always longed for in an artist book for well…
  • (be)longing: #playlistdiaries – a collaboration with Flash Thrive
    Album Art by Krista of Flash Thrive ** NOTE: I unfortunately wasn’t able to complete my project in time for the newsletter but I will do my best to finish the update by midnight PST tonight. Thank you for your patience! ** Welcome to my first blog of my new domain: eileenramos.com ! It’s a honor to be chosen by Flash Thrive, an artist collective, for their October 2020 #playlistdiaries newsletter. My project is titled “(be)longing” and they’re for 20 fictional couples with 20 different slow tempo songs on various stages of falling in love and being fallible. Each individual…
  • And Into the Darkness, I Shall Follow You
    Reflecting on my Shadow Self through this postcard collage I made for Eleanor Crook’s The Archaeology of the Self course. My psychoses, depression, and weakness I’m putting to the forefront now. It’s been a struggle to recover but I’m glad I’m on the other side.
  • I deserve to be heard
    I’m learning not to give energy to negative events and people, to not speak about them and vent ‘cuz that detracts your attention. To let go and concentrate on myself. BUT this incident is an exception. This is not just someone being rude, but the undermining of neurodiverse voices at the expense of their own panel. I get frustrated thinking about it and that individual’s outlook is detrimental and hurtful. So I was invited to be a part of a mental health panel for The Digital Sala, a virtual Filipinx Literature+ Festival. I’ve always wanted to participate in an event…
  • I want to be sincerely happy with you
    I didn’t understand how growth isn’t linear until tonight, when I took inventory of my life and reflected on how each segment felt: For all the good I am facing ahead, I dearly want to run. Just drop everything and go. This isn’t along the lines of suicidal ideation. I am no longer there. But the desire to retreat when confronted with the possibility of change and true transformation. None of it is bad, in fact, these are all things I do want. But success—and its chance—can be stressful too. I’m currently on a path that can and WILL open…

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