2:49 am, September 18th, 2017
I went to Dunkin’ Donuts to cheer myself up. I love going there to write and read but honestly, I barely did either. I pretty much just sat and stared at the window, deep in my feelings and thoughts. The maple pecan large iced latte didn’t do much to lift my spirits. I felt mopey. And I’m getting worried that I’ll become depressed again. It feels onset.
Yet different.
I know this because I don’t feel exactly hopeless. I’ve experienced real, lasting happiness. I know what it’s like to have a full-time job, to feel loved, to cherish life. And I know it’s possible to reach and touch all this and more blessings again. I’m getting over someone who found love over me, another I ended a close (but toxic) friendship with, and rejections from other jobs. It’s a lot to hold, but I’m getting better by applying to other jobs and keeping open with others.
I’ve realized that my depression worsens when I close myself off from other people. Validation and venting helps a lot. Being honest as well. Empathy doesn’t cure it all, but it helps. It feels good to be understood.
And I realized like half a hour ago that the thing I hated most about myself today is when I submitted a cover letter and resume for a job that’s too many hours away from my house, thinking it was in NYC. And then it struck me that I’ve been having a pretty good day if that’s my most hated segment of my being lol. Not feeling ugly, or lazy, or useless, or whatever. I even did a thorough and really good job on the cover letter. But oh well, it’s good practice, and since I wanted to do three a day, it did led me to going for a bookseller position. Something I probably wouldn’t have found if it wasn’t for my mistake, so still a win somehow.
I’m hoping this new today will bring me more writing in my sketchbooks and much more reading. Enough prepping pages and just ink them already. I’m glad I’m blogging at least. It’s about time I update this more. But I’m getting tired so I think I’ll continue this later
8:57 pm, September 24th, 2017
I’ve been having doubts of being queer. I find myself wondering if the girl I really liked and who made me realize I could be Bi was just a one time fluke.
But then while watching the social media of another girl giggling over how a guy was oohing and ahhing over her work, I just blurted aloud with longing:
I wanna make her that happy
That’s something I never even said about men. All this time I thought it was just a cute girl crush, but she’s starting to mean more to me than I ever thought she would.
I think she’s straight though, so I don’t think I stand a chance. Though I probably shouldn’t assume things, right? I think it might be better to be her friend, and I’m not in a position to date right now anyway.
Watch, I’m gonna meet someone who will make me ignore all that haha.
Anyway, tonight I’ve been feeling pretty good. I’m ecstatic right now because I got word from Bluestockings Bookstore Cafe that they sold all three copies of “Open in Emergency: A Special Issue on Asian American Mental Health“! I squealed and jumped around haha. I can’t wait to drop off the next three copies and take a picture of the display.
Also nearing is the Betty Zine Fest 2017 in Newark, NJ, where I’ll be representing The Asian American Literary Review and will be tabling alongside Angela. I hope it works out. I’m kinda nervous, but I’ve sold books before at events so this shouldn’t be that different. I need to start making my own zines to give away. Here’s one I made awhile back:
I have to make three more. I hope they come out well. I wanna go to the library and make copies there. This should be fun! I’m cutting close to the deadline because the festival is on October 7th, Saturday. But I think I can do it!
There’s more I want to say but I don’t feel like blogging right now. I want to create those zines and fill in my sketchbook projects. And I want to try to keep my blogs succinct anyway.
So that’s it for now. I’ll see you soon I hope.
Until next time,
eileen