That Next Step

I think I want to try a new approach to this blog.

The original idea was for this to be solely for creative works, whether it was in the form of poetry, short stories, photos of the day, sketchbook spreads, collages, etc.

But I decided to switch it up and include more personal material, like dealing with my mental illness as someone with bipolar disorder and has gone through three psychoses. And just my evolving identity overall as someone who recently realized she was queer (it’s a broad umbrella term, but when I say queer for myself I mean I like both men and women). I don’t see much posts about dealing with severe mental illness like delusions. much less fiction, so I’m gonna start.

What I believe will be one of my topmost deathbed regrets is never writing enough. And I haven’t, but I want to try my best to rectify that. I want to write everyday on here. I think I’ve evolved from tumblr rants though I’ll still be posting on there. And the notes feature on facebook is not enough for me. I want strikethroughs dammit!

Plus I like the idea of actually owning my shit haha.

And there’s going to be a lot going on with me and I kinda really effed up by not reporting what I’ve been up to like the Asian American Writers’ Workshop pop up I co-ran at the Newark Arts Open Doors Citywide Festival this past weekend….. yeahhhhh. lol. Here’s the facebook event so you can see my bio (!!!) there.

I only talked about it on facebook, not on my other social media. In my defense, most people I know are on facebook, but it would’ve been good if I announced it or at least post about it a minimum of a week before it happened. I waited like two days before haha. I think even one.

It was bad, man. I was so anxious and nervous and terrified it’d go wrong. But I think it went pretty well considering it was our first time doing a pop up. I even performed my monologue from In Full Color and moderated the panel! If the lovely Tracy didn’t encouraged me to, I don’t think it would ever occur to me to even moderate. Even perform.

But it felt right and so good to be onstage and talking with Amanda and Nidhi. Once Tracy told me it’s a conversation, I relaxed and they were so remarkable! I LOVED talking with them and seeing them perform! I couldn’t ask for a better first panel! And I hope to do many more as I grow as a writer.

And performing the monologue was such a thrill. Like someone actually recorded my performance on their phone! A friggin stranger. That was so surreal. I wonder if I’ll ever see it? I don’t think any of my friends recorded it, but that’s okay. I’ll make sure my next performance is even better haha.

I was so nervous that I was shaking my book. But people were saying I did so well and had a lot of passion! And that I was a confident, informed moderator. I even signed my first fucking autograph for a guy’s girlfriend who teaches storytelling to grade schoolers and high school students! It’s so wow.

I finally see how Professor Regina Clark—my honors project mentor, my  academic advisor, my writing concentration professor throughout my undergrad, and my most favorite teacher ever—can say that she  can picture me reading in public and leading people with my voice. It took me nearly six years to see a glimpse of what she—and many others—have told me, but I finally believe them.

I can finally see myself as someone worth reading, worth listening to, worth seeing, and most of all—worth loving.

It trips me up cuz I didn’t feel like that a year ago. I didn’t think I was good enough to be published. I didn’t think I deserve a full-time job. I didn’t think I was worth being with. I didn’t believe my life would get any better at all. I hated myself really badly. Self-loathing was at my baseline, even though I cared for and loved others deeply.

I just couldn’t see myself as someone worthwhile.

But here I am, proving all that bullshit wrong. Learning to love myself more and more each day. And it feels really good to say I’m worth someone’s effort and time.

I wanna build a life that younger me would love to have. And it looks like I truly am with all the projects I’m doing and will be involved in. It’s really nice to believe in myself and I wish I did it sooner.

But I don’t think I would appreciate it all nearly as much if I did it earlier. Or maybe I would’ve, who knows.

Anyway here’s a list of things I want to write about:

• Finish blogging about my damn sketchbook project 2015 “Adored Ephemera“. Continue with the 2 page spread per post.  And finally mail it off.
  • Maybe go back a year or two later to the brooklyn art library and take it out and see if there’s any changes to it made by other people. Report how I feel reading it a year later
• Talk about the interactive experimental novel I worked on at Helen Wan‘s Novel Writing Workshop at Asian American Writers’ Workshop “Turning Your Real Life Into Fiction” and that I shall continue for NaNoWriMo.
  • Write about the joint comic I’ve worked on too with Serena Valentino.
    • {I really should’ve blogged about both experiences.  They were awesome! The comic scriptwriting class is being put on hiatus, but I plan on working on the assignments in the meantime!}
      • […damn I hope I do them T-T]
• Share past projects!
• Work off a prompt I came across
  • kundiman fireside blog has such great poetry prompts! Start here.
• #messagestoc – guerrilla art project where I abandon 100 different messages in a variety of formats in 100 public places.
• Event recaps would be fun! I did heat of memory with The Bellwether and that was utterly amazing.
• Do a day where I just shoot like five polaroids.
  • Write a short story on one
  • And a poem on the other
  • and leave a third somewhere public with a little gift attached
• Black out poetry! Like this which I did at the AAWW Pop Up!
• Do an art project with the den den hehe

I have more I want to do but I’m too lazy to put up links and I’m hungry.

…I really wanted my comeback to be more refined and shit, but *shrug*

Hopefully you’ll see another post by me tonight.

Hopefully.

eileen