you’re still a good person

Periodically, I want to write letters to myself here. Letters that I hope will push me forward and allow me to be more gentle with myself. I’ll be honest with you, I’m having a tough time right now. But I recognize that this will pass and I will go on to better circumstances.

Here’s missive #1:

Dear Eileen,

I wish I was writing this from a happier place, but I’m not. However, I believe I can better connect with you when I am at a loss versus when I’m “whole”. At least if you’re down as well. I hope you aren’t but I know you eventually will. And that’s okay, life ebbs and flows. You will be happy once more and you’ve been through worse. Take some comfort in that.

You will find more friends who will cherish you. A significant other who truly loves you. A job that you’re well-suited for. A kind act that grants you more faith in humanity and in yourself. This rejection will go away. And do know you deserve better than to be in pain. Sometimes you think you deserve it, but you never did. This guilt will go away as well. You will hurt less and less and you will heal more and more.

It’s more like I’m writing to my current self. Now, I want to go to bed and dream away the hurtful truth. Facts I don’t want to commit to memory but will have to, yet here in this place, I will not state.

I’m worried it’ll hurt to recall, but maybe not. Maybe you will remember and realize how distant you feel from that pain. How it’s just a sentence to you. How it no longer grants pain but a simple lesson, a single measurement of how you’ve grown and changed since that ph(r)ase occurred.

I just want to feel okay. I want to accept what I’m facing and move on. But right now I have to sink into the reality of it all and just allow myself to feel. I’m not going to push it away, the harm will only grow.  Don’t ignore what you’re feeling. It’s valid. I don’t want you to bottle it all up again and explode like how you used to. Sometimes that aftermath harms more than the actual act itself.

You wanted this so badly to work out. You put your heart and soul into this. And people will recognize it and it still won’t be enough. Beyoncé shared how her own childhood failure resulted in a great lesson to learn:

“In my mind we would perform on Star Search, we would win, we would get a record deal, and that was my dream at the time. There’s no way in the world I would have ever imagined losing as a possibility. I was only 9 years old. At that time you don’t realize that you could work super hard and give everything you have and lose. It was the best message for me.”

Just be glad you gave it your all and did your best. You will find better opportunities. I know it. Trust yourself and your potential. And always write. Even if it’s just another letter to yourself. It’s helping me now and I’m sure it can help you once again.

You are crying because you sincerely loved it. Now transfer that passion towards something else. There will always be more things and people to deeply care about. Let the ones that have passed end. You will always have the option to move on. Take it.

Grieve if you must but know that this is just a phase and you will be happy again. You’ve already begun to laugh and it feels good. Reach out to your friends and family and vent to them. They know the words & actions to comfort and help you on your feet again. Things can always be worse. But don’t say that shit aloud lol.

I know you don’t want to right now, but be open to dating. It feels like I’ll never find someone who likes me truly, but that isn’t true. Chris is right, if you put yourself out there and try, you’ll find someone. I don’t want to right now because I hate my answers to the usual opening questions. But with time, those replies will change.

And you will change for the better as well.

Know that the source of this hurt will result in something grander. You’ve seen it happen before. Remember how the worst thing that happened to you became the best thing because of all that resulted. Friends, strength, growing confidence, opportunities, and more. It might be years before you finally see this but the day will come.

Maybe you will discover what you gained when you reread this post some time for now. Maybe you’ll forget the events I’m referring to. Just know that I only want the best for you. And honestly, maybe it was for the best that these things happened to you, if only for you to become a better lover, friend, worker, and person.

You’re already starting the process of letting go. You’ve decided to give away or sell the care package items. You’re composing letters in your head. It will get easier as you go along the path in front of you. Trust me.

I think you’ll be fine. It may not feel like it, but you will.

I will love you anyway,

eileen